What challenges did you face? I don’t think there’s a challenge I didn’t face this year. Aside from COVID-19, there were and continue to be massive health issues, financial issues out of my control, immense fear and stress, and it feels like never ending pain and misery across the board. My shame spiral has only gotten worse this year.
What lessons did you learn? That I somehow need to focus on baby steps. To do the best I can with the situation I’m in and with what I do have control over. That my kids and I are a team.
How did you grow? I don’t know that I have. I’ve been in survival mode since March.
How did your heart break? In all the ways. Lots of realizations. So much pain. So much fear. Endless shame.
How did your heart open? I’m even closer to my kids, which is a feat considering they will freely admit to being mama boys. I also got even closer to one of my best friends which is wonderful even after 20 years!
What do you want to remember? The in-between moments. A successful garden. Me and the kids re-painting and re-doing the hallway and living room. The prisms in my bedroom making almost every single day a rainbow dream. Wind chimes. The kitty herd bringing so much fluff and joy.
What do you want to celebrate? Bare minimum, that I’m still here.
How do you want to approach 2021? I don’t know. It’s already going to start negatively. Baby steps? Just keep working on improving my health, spending time with my kids, and do the best I can with the situation we are in.
What qualities do you want to cultivate? A tougher skin so to speak. Living in the moment instead of freaking out about tomorrow and next week and next month. Being kinder to myself.
What do you want to let go of? To not let everything get to me. Not to internalize everything. I want to learn how to let go of my expectations of how people should be when it comes to family. I’d say trauma as well because, man, is my very existence just soaked in it since birth, but I don’t see that happening.
How do you want to grow? I want to not let my current situation define me or cause me to think this is “forever”.
How do you want to take care of yourself? I desperately need to find a way to bring down my stress level. It’s damn near impossible when my stress is caused by external reasons that I have zero control over.
How will you commit to yourself? By taking each day one at a time and focusing on doing my gratitude journal again. By blogging more often and not letting shame hold me back from it so much. I need something tangible to ground me and writing helps with that.
Where will you pour your attention? The small positive moments. My kids. The kitty herd. My small group of friends. My environment, as much as I can.
What habits or practices nourish you? Getting back on track with healthier eating. This year took a massive nosedive for the first time in over 15 years when it comes to my eating habits. Working on my spiritual habits even for 5 minutes a day.
So there you go! My 2020 end of the year journal review. If you have a blog, I recommend you participate in this prompt today as it’s good sometimes to reflect on what you’ve been through and any hopes for the future year.